We’re five days into this and I’m considering either eloping or sticking my head in the oven.

I think the next time I tell the story of how I proposed, I’m going to slit my wrists with a battle-axe.  I actually resent the happiest moment of my life. Is that wrong?

And as if hearing the story of the proposal isn't enough, people are presumptuous enough to want to know when and where we're getting married!  You know what??? SO DO I! 

Why do the people that are going to be eternally designated to the B-list for wedding invitations seem to be the ones who are most curious as to when it will take place and where?  They seem to care more than I do.

The average call goes something like this:

Them: "HEY MAN! CONGRATS!"

Me: "Thank you."

Them: "I (and a date!) deserve to have 16 drinks on your future-wife’s parents’ and sneak into every picture because of this anecdote about the two of us from 8 years ago...that I’m about to tell you...that wasn’t so much meaningful as it was tedious. … … … Man we couldn’t be happier for you.  Is there anything we can do?"

Of course I’m paraphrasing.  But what if we did ask them to do something? 

"You know--now that you mention it--we're moving this weekend and I could really use a hand."
"Actually, you could do something.  Would you mind learning the entire Swedish language? We have some cousins coming in for the wedding and want them to feel comfortable."
"Yes, there is something you can do.  Could you come by once an hour for the rest of my life and tell me what time it is? I really don't like using clocks."
"That's so nice of you.  Would you mind handing out programs and building a floating church for us to get married in?"
"Oh yeah, that would be great. Could you write 2,000 words on how Google Plus works?"