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Monday, August 29, 2011




It has been a while since I’ve written, but the fact is that this journal is supposed to be about a man’s thoughts on the process of getting married and the simple fact is that nothing is happening right now.

We’ve made a few appointments to view some sites--but until that happens, there really isn’t to much to complain about.

But here are a few things I have managed to learn about weddings over the past few weeks:

-Dresses should be rented. I know this isn't a new statement but it is worth reiterating.  Men can and will wear tuxes again. I mean--not often--but it is a possibility. And we still rent.  There is a zero percent chance that the girl will wear that dress again, unless she happens to earn a role in a Paul Rudd movie.

-Still not entirely certain that my mom believes me that I'm straight. She adores my fiancee, but occasionally gives me a look that says, "Oh right, I forgot...you're 'IN LOVE' with her! hehe...its okay sweetie, I know you like dudes."

-Someone told us not to skimp on food, as people associate chicken with "cheap." What if we made our vows all about how much we like chicken? Maybe they'd associate chicken with "two people who really like chicken."


-Men could not give one steaming pile of crap about the colors of a wedding, provided they don't look gay.  (And girls: pink and purple can be done properly if you decided what your wedding should look like when you were eight.  I will not wear a pink suit, but a pink tie is fine provided I don’t have a mustache or a sequined tuxedo.)

-Never abbreviate "Save The Date". Ever.  Women, you don't want your future husband to see your to-do list that reads, "Drop-off Dry Cleaning, Get Haircut, Pick-up a Gallon of Milk, Check on STDs."

-I have an enormous invite list for this wedding. ENORMOUS.  And I’m not inviting a ton of family. It doesn’t mean I have a decision-making problem, it means that I am beloved to Pope-levels.  I'm looking forward to the day I have to axe a bunch of the people on the list. I'm going to invite all of my groomsmen over and do an NCAA Basketball Selection Show, except with wedding invites. "And on the strength of a few key late-season wins, the #13 seed in the West is Peter."  "Shame that Aunt Lorraine didn't make the field. A strong season, but found herself on the wrong side of The Bubble."

And most importantly:

-A wedding has nothing to do with a marriage. I barely see how the two are related anymore.   One is about eternal devotion and the strength we gain in submitting our lives to another.  The other is about melon wrapped in prosciutto. 
A wedding is a complete ME!ME!ME! fiasco that is supposed to mark the beginning of a marriage but is actually just a strange backlash against all of your friends that made you go to their ME!ME!ME! parties and the taunting of the lonely people who haven't had a ME!ME!ME! party of their own.
 


Now that's not to say that we've learned from all of this and are going to have a simple ceremony.  I'm just telling you that I'm aware of how ridiculous it is. 


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